


speak right to my heart without saying a word

by thekaidonovskys



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: M/M, Phobias, Social Issues, hints of childhood neglect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-10 15:13:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2029836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekaidonovskys/pseuds/thekaidonovskys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Your eyes. Your expression. Your smile. I’ve worked with you for ten years, Hermann, and words have never been our primary method of communication.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted by Tumblr user thekaidonovskys

New people in the ‘dome. Joy of joys.

Newt prepares himself for the inevitable.

They’re introduced - Raleigh Beckett and Newt recognises the name immediately. He rattles off his usual spiel, then turns to see if Hermann’s there to make his own greeting. He’s not, of course, and Newt has to act as Hermann turns, taking off his hood.

“Hermann, these are human beings,” Newt says as snakily as possible. “Why don’t you say hello?”

And as usual he feels awful, fucking  _awful_ , but Hermann snaps back at him and they fight instead of Hermann actually saying hello and when it’s all over Newt looks like the asshole but Hermann shoots him the barest flicker of grateful looks and it’s just like usual. 

It is usual. And it’s all a script. 

This is how he teaches Hermann to talk to people.

***

It’s a journey of some ten years. 

It starts with the emails. Those wonderfully worded, eloquent and controlled and  _confident_ emails that have Newt almost bonding with this man, this Hermann Gottlieb who he’s never even met. Who he wants to meet. Who he admires quite a lot and  _might_ have searched for a few pictures of and is quietly impressed with what he sees (even if the man needs a bit of fashion advice here and there). 

When he meets Hermann Gottlieb, he meets a sharp, brusque and barely articulate man who seems to have no desire to hold the barest of polite conversations. Newt, with the beginnings of his sleeves and knowing full well that he’s never been the star of the scientific community, is standoffish in return. They promise never to meet again, and contact is severed from that point on. 

Newt misses the emails, though. 

And then it’s a Shatterdome assignment, and Hermann Gottlieb three laboratories down. Newt, quickly getting into gossip with the rest of the research division, soon finds that Hermann’s lab partners can’t stand him. He barely speaks, snaps at them when he does, and seems incapable of talking about anything other than complex equations. 

And instead of sighing and thinking  _yeah, that’s Hermann Gottlieb alright_ , Newt’s a little confused. Because he had thought it was  _his_ presence that had upset Hermann, his lack of mathematical skills and love of Kaiju, and surely he would respect his peers? But no, it seems like Hermann hates everybody.

But if Newt looks closely, it doesn’t actually seem like hate. 

He doesn’t have too much time to dwell on that though because the world’s attempting to end and funding is being cut and soon all of his coworkers are gone and soon there are only two labs and then it’s just one, all six of them in together, then five, then three and then the last one falls, bought out by Lars Gottlieb himself and Hermann looks at Newt as if he’s waiting for him to do the same. Newt just shrugs and apologizes that they’re stuck together until the end of the war, and Hermann simply nods in return. It’s the politest Newt’s seen him, and there’s something in his eyes that strikes Newt hard. Something…  _wanting._

It’s not sexual, Newt would  _never_ think that. He knows what it’s like to be wanted physically, or even to have his company wanted. This is different. 

It’s almost like Hermann wants Newt to want  _him_. 

And that’s hard to do because they still have a very standoffish relationship at first and the first few weeks are utter hell and Newt gets so close to just moving into one of the empty labs but -

But he can’t do it. He can’t spend the days alone trying to solve a problem that seems impossible, and he can’t leave Hermann to do the same. Especially since Hermann is as much of an enigma as the Kaiju, and maybe if Newt studies him enough (covertly, of course), he might solve at least one of his problems. 

It’s going to be a long road, but they have a long war ahead of them. Newt’s prepared to wait it out.

***

As weeks turn into months turn into years, they seem to fall into a quiet arrangement. 

By quiet, Newt means  _quiet._ They don’t talk in the lab, at least not in terms of polite chit-chat or even exchanging pleasantries. They occasionally discuss work and bicker over opposing theories, but it’s not rude and brusque and borderline hateful anymore. It’s just how they operate, no sting to the words and a small nod from Hermann every time he enters or leaves the lab for the day. It’s polite and respectful and…  _quiet._

Newt is a loud person by nature, and sometimes he feels like he’s going to bounce off the walls if he can’t make some noise. So he’ll either start a conversation with Hermann over work or, the 75% of the time that doesn’t take hold, he’ll go find someone else to talk to. Usually Tendo, or Mako or sometimes even Herc - someone who can tolerate how wild and loud he gets and won’t be put off by it in the way Newt knows Hermann is.

But again, that’s the wrong word. It’s not that he turns Hermann away or makes Hermann detest him, because by now Newt realizes that isn’t the case. Somehow, unbelievably, Hermann’s aversion to him is  _not_ because he can’t handle Newt. In fact, it seems to be all about Hermann himself. 

It almost seems as if Hermann stays away because he’s frightened.

Newt doesn’t want to say that something’s  _wrong_ , but maybe that’s the only word for it. Something seems to be wrong with Hermann. Because he doesn’t leave the lab except to eat, and does that at odd hours of the night when nobody else is around (which Newt now suspects is on purpose). When others ask Newt about his lab, they talk about Hermann as if they have no idea who the man is at all, and Newt realizes they don’t. Apart from Pentacost, Newt isn’t sure how many of them even know he  _exists._

Something’s going on and as the years pass, the pieces slowly fall into place.

It’s social conversations that Hermann doesn’t do. They might be sharing research proposals, actually agreeing on theories and getting along companionably, but as soon as Newt brings the conversation around to weekend plans or gossip, Hermann shuts down. The conversations stutters to a halt and they either return to talking about work or go their separate ways. 

But the important thing that Newt takes from that is that he’s pretty sure Hermann doesn’t do it on purpose. He’s not  _choosing_ to shut down the conversation, it’s just happening. And it’s happening to Hermann himself, not to Newt. He’s the victim in this. 

And the more Newt looks, the more he sees it. 

The way Hermann doesn’t like intrusions in the lab - because they rarely want to talk about work and would much prefer to gossip. 

The way Hermann keeps his head down when he’s walking in the halls - because otherwise people might try to engage him in conversation. 

The way Hermann turns away to go back to his work after another conversation has broken down - because his eyes are sad and a little wistful and Newt knows,  _knows,_ that he’s not turning away because he doesn’t want to have the conversation. It’s quite the opposite, because he  _does_ want it. That’s as clear as day to Newt. 

He just… can’t. 

Newt doesn’t speak of it to Hermann, of course. He knows his lab partner will just shut down further, perhaps even close right off to the point where Newt can’t even get an opening anymore, and that’s not okay. Besides, this is Hermann’s thing and if he hasn’t invited Newt in, then Newt has to respect that. 

But he keeps watching and keeps understanding. 

The pieces slowly fall into place. 

***

And then the day comes when it all breaks down.

“Doctor Gottlieb,” Marshal Pentacost says, his tone weary as he drums his fingers on the stack of paperwork Hermann and Newt submitted the previous day. “I am not a scientist. Please put it into terms I can understand.”

And Hermann falters. 

Newt sees it, sees his brain freeze up and fail to engage. The seconds tick on, drag on, and still Hermann doesn’t speak. Pentacost frowns at him, watching, waiting, and he’s about to say something, about to call Hermann out and ask what’s wrong and Newt knows, instinctively and suddenly, that if that happens Hermann is going to  _break._ This is it - this is the situation that’s going to make or break Hermann Gottlieb, not as a scientist but as a  _person_ , and Newt can’t let this happen. 

So Newt takes a deep breath and puts his own neck on the line. “It’s my fault,” he lies. “I was distracting Hermann when he put that report together, it’s probably not his best work and that’s why he can’t explain it because he doesn’t really know what he put in there himself. So blame me, not him, and give him some time to give you something good.”

Pentacost looks to Hermann. “Is this true?”

Hermann’s been staring at Newt, wide eyed, who gives him a nod. “Yes, sir,” Hermann says. 

“Then I will give you until tomorrow to file another report to explain this one,” Pentacost says with a stern glance to Newt. “And I suggest that you two sort out whatever issue is going on here before it becomes a problem that affects us all. I do not need to remind you that there is a war going on.”

“Yes, sir,” Newt says. “Sorry, sir.”

Pentacost gives him another look, then nods. “Gentlemen,” he says, and leaves.

Newt watches him go, quietly sighs with relief, then turns to Hermann who hasn’t moved. In fact, he looks frozen, locked in place. He’s clutching the desk, hard, and his face is blank and Newt hasn’t seen too many panic attacks in his time - usually the one having them himself - but he knows that this is a warning sign that he needs to calm Hermann down  _now._

He makes a careful but quick path over to Hermann and okay good, at least he’s breathing, but its sharp and quick and this isn’t good at all. “Okay, c’mon Hermann, it’s alright,” he coaxes gently and pulls over Hermann’s chair, being careful to leave a lot of space between them. “How about you sit down for a minute, huh? Let go of the desk for me.”

Hermann does and sinks into the chair, Newt lowering with him until he’s crouching in front of him, eye to eye. “I -“ he begins, then stops.

“It’s alright,” Newt soothes. “Just take some deep breaths and stay with me. You’re okay. Nothing’s gonna hurt you.”

He keeps rambling for awhile along that vein, watching closely as Hermann gets his breathing back under control. Finally, after a few minutes, when Newt’s pretty sure Hermann’s okay again, he silences himself and waits until Hermann sighs and looks down at his hands, now knotted together. “I apologise, Doctor Geiszler,” he says quietly. “I’m not sure what came over me.”

“Don’t do that. It’s not - look. I know you shut down there, and I think I know what’s going on.” Hermann tenses up further and Newt almost reaches out to touch his knee, then thinks better of it. “You’re not too good with talking to people, are you?” he asks instead. 

Hermann doesn’t speak for a full minute. Newt waits it out. 

“No,” Hermann says finally. “I’m not.”

Newt nods. “Okay. Do you want to discuss it?”

“No,” Hermann says again, quickly this time. “Not - not now. Maybe another time.”

“That’s cool. Even if you don’t ever want to, that’s okay. It’s your life - but hey, if I  _can_  make life any easier, just tell me. I won’t ask any questions, I’m not gonna pry if you don’t want me in your life. But if I can help, let me know.”

Hermann doesn’t reply, and Newt’s halfway back to his desk, figuring he’ll give Hermann some time alone, when he hears his name. He turns back and Hermann’s looking at him, tentative and worried. “Tomorrow,” he says. 

“Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow we will… discuss. I will attempt to explain. And then I will ask for help.”

It’s paining Hermann so much to say this, Newt can tell, so he just nods. “Okay. Tomorrow it is.”

He sits down and pulls his work over and is all set to go back to it when Hermann clears his throat. “Doctor Geiszler, I must thank you. You… saved me from a difficult situation.”

Newt smiles. “Don’t even sweat it, man. Glad I can be useful sometimes.”

There’s no reply, Newt doesn’t expect one, and they go back to their old habits. 

For now.

***

It definitely takes way too long to get to tomorrow.

When it finally does arrive, Newt enters the lab earlier than usual to find Hermann already there, sitting at his desk. He rises when Newt arrives and Newt stops and for a moment they just look at one another, unsure. But it’s Newt who takes charge, Newt who nods towards the couch, heading over to sit there himself. “How about we do this before we work on anything else, yeah?”

The gentle words combined with instruction seems to be working, because Hermann complies, sitting down next to him. He’s as far from Newt as he can get without being on another item of furniture completely, and he’s tense. “I don’t -“ he begins, then stops. 

“Okay,” Newt says calmly. “Let’s just take this really slow. You’ve got some things you’d like to share with me, I’m prepared to sit for as long as it takes for you to get them out, and there’s no pressure. If you decide midway through that you can’t do it, then you stop and we go back to our opposite sides of the room and go from there. Alright?”

Hermann nods, then hesitates. Instead of speaking, he pulls out a piece of paper and unfolds it. Newt sees his careful penmanship, lines of words filling up the page, and knows it’s a script. 

He nods back. “Okay. Whatever you need.”

Hermann clears his throat. “This is not an easy conversation,” he begins. “Both because I struggle to express myself, and because the subject matter is painful. But we have worked together long enough that the truth must come out, though I admit I would have continued to hide things for as long as possible if you had not begun working it out.” Hermann pauses, looking up at him. “I have… allocated space, for where I feel you might wish to comment.”

Newt smiles. “No comments yet. You’re doing good, though.”

Hermann doesn’t return his smile, but there’s a little more confidence in his next line and Newt knows the compliment has hit home. “As you are already aware,” Hermann continues, “I do not find it easy to talk to people. I can talk about my work fine, but as soon as it comes to social conversations, I stumble. I do not know how to hold a casual conversation without coming across as stiff and uninterested, and when I get frightened I snap. Which, as you are probably now understanding, is what happened at our first meeting.”

“Yeah,” Newt says as Hermann looks at him again. “I thought you hated me, and I wasn’t that surprised because a lot of people disagree with me, but our emails had been so good and you seemed so different to them. It was when I saw how you treated other people that I realized it wasn’t just me.”

“I… I must apologize for that.” 

Newt shakes his head. “No, don’t do that. You’re going to explain why it’s the case, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Then go for it.”

Hermann nods and looks back to his page. “It is not just that I dislike talking to people, but that I feel I cannot. I do not know how to interact properly, and therefore do not try. I -“ He breaks off, takes a deep breath. “I have sociophobia and aphenphosmphobia.”

Newt can tell they’re hard words to admit to, and again has to resist the urge to touch him - especially now. “So that’s… people and touch, right?” he checks, and Hermann nods. “Okay. How strong? Are you bad in crowds?”

“Surprisingly, no. I can hide in a crowd.”

“So it’s the one-on-one, people talking to you and asking you questions… like I am right now.”

“This is different,” Hermann says quietly, and Newt carefully doesn’t reply to that. “It is more that I was never conditioned socially.”

“You were never taught how to talk to people?”

“No. To do so frightens me. I get it wrong.”

“Okay. So we’re talking moderate to high - because you’ll still do it, you don’t avoid seeing people altogether, you just really hate doing it.” Hermann nods again, and Newt echoes it. “And touch?”

“Is something I am unaccustomed to, apart from hospitals. People were…” Hermann stops and Newt waits. “They were afraid of breaking me. Then I was too intelligent for them to waste sentiment and emotions on me.”

That’s just awful, and Newt has to know more. “Can I ask a few questions? Just don’t answer if it’s too much.”

“I will do my best.”

“Okay. So, um, when’s the last time you were… I don’t know, hugged?” 

Hermann frowns. “As far as I can recall, it would have been when I was eight.”

Newt’s jaw drops. “Are you… oh my god.  _Hermann.”_ Hermann stares at him, eyes wide and quite close to frightened, and Newt controls himself. “Sorry, sorry man, I just wasn’t expecting that. You didn’t do anything wrong - you had some serious wrongs done  _to_ you though. But, um… friends?”

“Are you asking if I’ve had any?” Newt nods. “Few. Mostly those in the same field, where we could talk about work alone. But eventually they would try to engage in social conversation and learn that I was incapable and leave.”

The way Hermann’s saying all of this - cold and unemotional - hurts Newt’s heart, because he gets it now. It’s not that Hermann doesn’t care that the people left, it’s that it’s all he’s used to. “And so you’ve never shared this with anybody before?”

“No. However, you did a favour for me, and I have learned that it is only fair to return it.”

That hurts. But Newt doesn’t get upset or cross by that, and keeps his tone even. “Did you want to tell me?”

“It is not something I ever wanted to share,” Hermann admits readily. “However -“

He stops, and Newt now recognises what’s going on when his face goes blank like that - it’s Hermann searching for the right words, going through his limited social database to work out what comes next. Newt imagines Hermann has attempted to turn social conversations into algorithms at some point, but naturally it’s failed. There are far too many variables. “It’s okay,” he says. “Take your time.”

Hermann nods, and for a minute there’s silence. “I didn’t want to tell you,” Hermann finally says, slow and careful. “But I did want you to know. I didn’t want you to think that it was you, that I dislike you. I do not dislike you, Doctor Geiszler.”

All the slight wounds he’s acquired from this conversation quickly evaporate. “I’m really glad to hear that,” Newt says quietly. “I don’t dislike you either, Hermann.”

Hermann’s lips twitch slightly. Newt thinks it’s almost a smile. “That is good to hear. But now that you have this information, I confess I am not sure what to do next.”

Newt’s been thinking that over himself. “Well,” he begins carefully, “I have an idea.”

“What is it?”

“Okay, tell me to shut up if this is way out of line or exactly what you  _don’t_ want but… look, I can’t teach you how to be sociable overnight. In fact, there are some things I’m not even sure I  _could_ teach. But I can teach you to understand me, and once you know me then you have a base model to work off. As much as it might seem otherwise, I’m not all that different to everybody else. So… we could work on it. As another project of sorts.”

Hermann looks a little stunned. “You… would do that?”

Newt shrugs. “Why not?”

“Because I have been nothing but horrid towards you since we met -“

“That’s not true at all,” Newt says instantly. “When we talk about work, you’re polite and respectful. As for shutting off on all other topics, I get it now. I’m not blaming you for it.” He sighs, almost reaches out to touch Hermann’s shoulder, then catches himself. “This war sucks, Hermann. We’re working against the odds on what seems like an impossible mission, and sure, we’re part of a bigger team but we’re essentially on our own down here. All we really have is each other. So if I can make your life easier in any way, then I’m going to do it. And hey, it kinda benefits me too, having someone to talk to about things other than work.”

Hermann nods slowly. “I appreciate it,” he says simply, and Newt knows he can’t find any other words. Those ones do perfectly though. “What do we do?”

“Well, you start by telling me all the things you struggle with - or writing them down, if that’s easier -and I’ll see what I can do to help.”

“It may be a long list.”

“How long until the next predicted Kaiju attack?”

Hermann glances at his calculations, but it’s only perfunctory - he knows all the numbers. “Three weeks, four days, somewhere from six to seventeen hours.”

“Well then, it looks like I have a bit of free time. So!” Newt jumps up, goes to his desk and returns with a notebook and pen, which he hands to Hermann. “Let’s get to it.”

***

As Hermann’s warned him, the list is quite substantial. 

Newt’s nothing if not up for a challenge, though. And, as it turns out, a lot of the things on the list are quite easy to overcome. Simple things, like making sure Hermann doesn’t have to go to dinner alone if it’s a peak hour, Newt repeating sentences with different (usually more formal) wording if Hermann stumbles over understanding them, and more talking in the lab, even if it’s a case of Newt talking at Hermann rather than to him. 

(Newt’s secretly delighted with the last one. He does quite love to talk.)

They begin filing joint reports, entwining their work more than ever. The next time Marshal Pentacost shows up with his  _gentlemen do not make me admit that I am not intelligent enough to understand this_ face on, Newt takes over and explains everything. He gets a raised eyebrow and a couple of suspicious glances to Hermann, but since Hermann doesn’t argue he can only take it as it is. “At least you aren’t bickering today,” he says as he leaves. 

When people show up in their lab, Newt takes the conversation. He’s usually done that anyway, but he also works on weaving Hermann in a little bit too - not so that he has to talk, but so that his presence is acknowledged. But he also focuses on making sure people don’t hang around for too long, or tries to keep the conversation slow and simple. Mako’s a sweetheart, but she likes to talk fast and furious and Newt can tell Hermann just can’t keep up.

He makes the lab a safe place - a place where Hermann is free to ask questions, to take as long as he needs to work out sentences, and to simply study Newt. At first the last point disconcerted Newt a little, who would often find the fact of Hermann watching him as he talked aloud or engaged with people a little off-putting, but soon enough it becomes natural. How else is Hermann going to pick up on his body language, his colloquialisms, his social cues? 

Granted, Newt isn’t the best at being social himself. He’s too much sometimes, too enthusiastic, too involved, and it’s not always received brilliantly. But Hermann begins to learn from those situations sometimes, and Newt finds that he can actually start testing Hermann on a situation like that, seeing how much Hermann’s picked up from the way Chuck rolls his eyes and deliberately yawns while Newt’s talking. 

It’s a slow progress. It’s not easy to track. But it’s worth it.

***

It’s also horrendously painful at times.

“Doctor Geiszler, may I ask you a question?”

Newt glances up, checks out Hermann’s expression, then puts down his scalpel and snaps off his gloves. This seems like it has the potential to go into a longer conversation - he can tell by the way Hermann holds himself, and the way his eyebrows furrow - and Newt wants to give it his full attention. “Of course you can,” he says once he’s ready. “Shoot.”

“Do people not like me because of my inability to hold a social conversation, or is it something else about me that they dislike?”

Newt blinks. He clears his throat, opens his mouth, and finds no words. 

When Hermann said he had a question, Newt hadn’t been expecting  _this._

“It’s not… Hermann, it isn’t that people don’t like you,” he says finally. “It’s not outright distaste or anything like that - that’s what they have for  _me_. If they dislike you, they’ll say spiteful things behind your back or to your face, or they’ll want nothing to do with you.”

“Is that not the case?”

“It’s not so much that people don’t want to talk to you as that they don’t notice you.”

And as soon as that’s out, Newt feels the truth of it hit him hard.

Hermann doesn’t seem to feel it. Probably because he doesn’t understand. “Is that better?”

Newt swallows a sudden lump in his throat. “I don’t know,” he says. “Is it better for you to have people not talk to you at all, or to be spiteful towards you for things you can’t control?”

Hermann thinks on it. “I suppose the former is better for my current situation,” he concludes. “How does one get noticed?”

“By… by talking, mostly. Getting to know people, having conversations…”

“Ah.” Hermann nods and turns back to his boards. “Thank you, Doctor Geiszler. That is all I require.”

He leaves Newt standing there, still a little stunned at the revelation. 

And that’s when he promises himself - and Hermann, even if he doesn’t know it - that he’s not just going to try to understand Hermann and help make things a little easier for him, Newt is going to help Hermann himself. He’s going to make this better, and he’s going to make damn sure that everybody in this bloody ‘dome knows who Hermann Gottlieb is and how much they want to be his friend, and he’s going to make sure Hermann never has reason to ask a question like that again. 

***

Of course there are other priorities. There are Kaiju and dissections and numbers and meetings and reports. They slowly grow more common as the attacks grow more rapid, and the nights start getting later. Everybody’s looking more and more tired. 

But that’s okay. He’s still got time to devote to other…  _projects_. There are other things in this world that are just as important as Kaiju, after all.

So when he’s not working on stopping the end of the world, he works on Hermann.

***

“Why won’t you call me Newt?” he asks one day.

Hermann looks at him. Newt looks back evenly and waits. It’s as good a starting point as any.  

“Because it implies a level of comfort with social situations that I do not have,” Hermann says carefully. 

Newt nods. “Okay. That’s understandable but… I get it now. So you couldn’t…?”

“Is this something that means a great deal to you?”

“Kinda? I mean, it doesn’t  _have_ to be Newt, but  _Doctor Geiszler_ just sounds like I’m in trouble all the time and… well, we’re friends now, y’know?”

“I… didn’t know.”

Newt raises an eyebrow. “That we’re friends? Well, we are, so it’s either Newt or Newton or a good reason why you need to keep calling me Doctor Geiszler, okay?”

Hermann nods. “I will still call you Doctor Geiszler outside, though.”

“That’s fine.”

“Alright… Newton. I will work on this.”

Newt smiles. “Thanks Hermann. I appreciate it.”

It’s a small step. Newt knows they’re all going to be small steps, and praises each one with no less enthusiasm than if Hermann had walked up to Chuck and engaged him in conversation. 

That said, if Hermann had walked up to Chuck and engaged him in conversation, that would be far more likely to end in disaster, and about seven steps backwards in Hermann’s progress. Newt makes a mental note to be sure that Hermann never does that. 

***

“How do you handle it when somebody touches you?” is his next question, a few weeks later. 

Hermann frowns at him over his coffee mug, but answers anyway. “People rarely do.”

“In this place? People are  _always_ touching and okay, you don’t seem to have many interactions out there but, y’know, hands on shoulders, bumping against each other…”

Hermann sighs. “I jump. People tend to not do it again after that.”

And that makes Newt sad, sad that nobody else has taken the time to look close enough at Hermann and wonder  _why_ he jumps. But he doesn’t want to be sad, he wants to help, so he thinks for a moment, then nods. “Is it that you find touch unpleasant?”

Hermann takes his own moment to consider. “No,” he says, and Newt breathes a silent sigh of relief. “It is more that I don’t know what to  _do_.”

“Understandable. So with that said, can I try something?”

“Yes.”

Newt smiles, trying to keep everything light and calm. “Hermann,” he says gently. “I’d like to put my hand on your shoulder. Do you object?”

Hermann looks at him, a little confused, and shakes his head. “No.”

“Okay.” Newt lets his hand rest on Hermann’s shoulder, then smiles. “See? You didn’t jump.”

“Because I knew it was coming.”

“Yeah. Because you were prepared for it to happen and trained to react accordingly. So you just need to train yourself to react to being touched the same way every time, whether you’re ready for it or not.”

Hermann puzzles that over, then nods. “That seems logical. But how will I get that training?”

It takes a bit of nerve, but Newt goes for it anyway. “Always happy to help. I can start with asking every time I want to touch… to put my hand on your shoulder. That’s a good starting point. And then I can start doing it a few times without asking - only when you’re ready - and slowly get you used to it.”

And Newt - Newt, who is so used to being told to  _stop clinging_ , to  _give a man some breathing room_ \- is pretty damn shocked when Hermann immediately agrees. “As long as you’re happy to assist, then I’m willing to proceed. I trust you.”

Newt freezes. He blinks a couple of times, then lets out his breath. “You what?”

“Trust you,” Hermann repeats, his brow furrowing a little. “Isn’t that - that’s right, isn’t it?”

“Well yeah, I - I just didn’t expect that.”

“Trust is based on a firm belief in the reliability, truth and/or ability of somebody or something. You have shown that you are reliable, in that you continue to help me through my difficulties without giving up. You are honest with my shortcomings and do not hold back. You are able to assist - I know I have made progress. I believe in you and I understand that this constitutes as trust.”

Newt tries to swallow the lump in his throat, and finds he can’t. “Can you excuse me for a minute?” he asks.

“Certainly.”

Newt bails out, sheds a few rapid tears - because he can count on one hand the number of times he’s been told someone trusts him - and then quickly composes himself to return to Hermann. This is about  _Hermann_ , after all, not Newt’s silly little lack-of-meaningful-people-in-his-life issues. 

“Did I say something wrong?” Hermann asks when Newt returns. 

Newt shakes his head with a smile. “You said everything right, Hermann. I’m going to put my hand on your shoulder; do you object?”

“No.”

So Newt does, and Hermann smiles, and Newt smiles back and  _god_ it’s nice. 

***

And just as Newt’s promised, it becomes easy. Natural, even. 

He makes a point of touching Hermann at least once a day, often more. At first it’s all with explicit consent then, once Hermann’s more comfortable with the whole concept and is at the point of barely even noticing when Newt asks for permission, Newt breaches the subject of being able to go ahead and touch Hermann’s shoulder at random. He makes it very clear that, if Hermann gets at all uncomfortable or outside his comfort zone, Newt will stop immediately and they’ll take a step back, or stop completely. Hermann looks a little tentative, but agrees.  

Newt puts it into plan the very next day. He’s already asked Hermann if he can touch him once, to which Hermann has naturally agreed, and now it’s a few hours later and they’re sitting on the couch, coffee in hand. Newt’s talking about a story he’s heard from the factory floor, another one of Tendo’s antics, and Hermann seems pretty relaxed. So, as Newt talks, he gently and carefully lifts one hand from his mug and raises it to Hermann’s shoulder.  

He’s prepared for flinching. He’s prepared for backing away.  

He’s not prepared for Hermann to barely even notice, to continue listening to his conversation as if that’s the only thing going on. So Newt lets himself peter out, draws to a close, then gently nods towards his hand. “Hey,” he says, smiling a little. “Well done.” 

Hermann returns the smile. “Thank you,” he says. “I believe I considered flinching, but it felt too natural. I had quite forgotten about it a moment later.” 

"Good," Newt says. "That’s exactly what we want - because yeah, purposeful touch is great and all, but it’s also the kind of thing you want to have happen and really not be all that aware of. It’s vital." 

"I’m beginning to find that more and more lately," Hermann admits. "I find that I begin to crave it after awhile." 

Newt nods. “You’re touch starved,” he says. “You haven’t realized before now because you didn’t know what you were missing. But now that you’ve seen what it can be like to have someone this close, you want it… and I hope this isn’t a bad thing.” 

"Why would it be bad?" 

"Because you want it now. You know what you’re missing." 

"I’m not missing it, though," Hermann says, frowning a little. 

"You’re not?" 

"No. You give me what I require." 

Newt bites his lip a little. “What if I didn’t, though?” he asks. “What if… I don’t know, something happened to me?”

Hermann just shrugs. “I don’t honestly know,” he says. “All I know is that right now you are here. You are providing something for me that helps. I know that it may disappear one day, as many things from my life have, so I choose to enjoy it now, while I have it. Looking ahead spoils the now.” 

"Wow," Newt says quietly. "That’s…. powerful." 

"Is it?" 

"Yeah. You teach me a lot, Hermann." 

"Do I? I thought it was supposed to be the other way around." 

Newt smiles. “There’s nothing to say this shouldn’t be reciprocal,” he says. 

Hermann considers that for a moment. Then, slow and hesitant, he reaches out his own hand and rests it on Newt’s shoulder. “Should I have asked first?” he asks after a few seconds.

“No, no that’s fine,” Newt says quietly. “That’s… nice.”

It’s probably odd to anybody on the outside - the two them, sitting here, each with a hand on the other’s shoulder - but that’s so far from Newt’s concern right now. Right now he’s feeling pretty damn happy with the way the world is going. 

***

But things can’t stay easy forever. 

Newt’s just snapping off his gloves to go for lunch, when he catches Hermann’s eye and suddenly decides to go for it. “Hermann?” he asks. “We’ve been doing pretty well with getting you used to casual touch. Can I go a step further?”

“What is the step?”

Newt walks over so he’s standing just in front of Hermann, but with enough room that Hermann isn’t crowded. “Hermann,” he says. “I’d like to hug you. Do you object?”

Hermann goes tense, then backs away and looks at the floor. “Yes,” he murmurs. 

“Hey, that’s okay,” Newt says instantly, keeping the distance between them. “That’s totally fine, Hermann, I promise. I wanted to see if you were at that stage yet and you’re not, and it’s alright.”

“I wish I was.”

“I wish you were too,” Newt admits. “But that’s no fault of your own. And I believe you’re going to be there someday, and I’m going to stick around and keep working with you through it until you are there. And then after. Okay?” He waits for Hermann to nod, then backs it up another step. “For now, I’d like to put my hand on your shoulder. Any objections?”

Hermann looks up, tentative, and shakes his head. When Newt’s hand rests on his shoulder, it almost looks as if he’s taken half the weight of the world away with his touch, and Newt suddenly realizes how afraid Hermann had been of rejection. Of Newt deciding that, because Hermann had come up against a barrier he wasn’t ready to push down, Newt would give up on him completely. 

Newt squeezes his shoulder and smiles. “Let’s go get lunch,” he says, keeping his voice even and natural. “If they’re still serving yesterday’s meatloaf, though, I might actually throw up. I don’t care if we’re on rations, that is  _not_ food.”

He keeps up his chatter the whole way there and Hermann finally relaxes and by the end of the day they’re back to normal. 

It hangs between them just a little though, and Newt catches something akin to anticipation every time he comes near Hermann to put a hand on his shoulder or just examine his work. He knows Hermann’s waiting for him to act, to ask again, and is nerving himself up to the inevitable conversation. But Newt doesn’t want this to be something Hermann has to force himself up to - he needs Hermann relaxed and calm. 

So he waits. And finally a day comes when they are relaxed and calm, actually joking around a little bit and it’s going so well and Newt knows he has the potential to ruin everything right now, but part of him thinks this might be time. So he takes a deep breath and goes for it.

“Hermann,” he says gently. “I’d like to hug you. Do you object?”

Hermann looks at him, looks like he’s about to tense up, then stops himself. “No,” he says after a minute. 

And Newt doesn’t let him second-guess himself. He takes a step forward and carefully puts his arms around Hermann’s waist. He rests his head against Hermann’s shoulder and waits to see what’s going to happen next. 

After a few seconds, and unbelievably, Hermann’s arms wrap around him in return. It’s awkward, of course it is, but it’s also just an air of sheer relief. Hermann drops his head to Newt’s shoulder and it must be such an uncomfortable angle but Newt’s pretty sure he’s crying and doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, just holds on. 

Hermann leaves when they break apart, and Newt doesn’t blame him. It’s a big step, after all.

***

He’s prepared for things to either be normal (read: ignored) or awkward when he enters the lab the following day. He’s not prepared for Hermann to look up with one of those incredible smiles that Newt’s learned he has, and actually come right out and address it. 

But yet, here they are.

“Thank you for yesterday,” Hermann says. “I feel better about myself.”

It’s such a simple statement, but it holds way too much in it, and Newt just about cries. “You’re welcome,” he says. “Any - any time.”

“Do you mean that as an indication that it was no hardship, or is that a genuine offer that I may ask for that any time in the future?”

Newt flounders a little. “Well… both,” he says. “I can - if you want more hugs, I can definitely give you more hugs. Heaven knows you need to catch up.”

Hermann stands. “Then may I request one now?”

Newt isn’t going to pass that up. He nods and opens his arms and Hermann slots into them far too easily, and Newt closes his eyes and breathes and tries not to think too hard.

This time he’s the one near tears when they break apart. 

It’s the good kind of tears. He hopes. 

***

So hugging becomes a thing they do. It’s added to the list of  _things Newt was pretty sure Hermann would never ever in a million years do, especially not with him._

The list is pretty long.

Casual conversation - chatter, laughter, joking - occurs just about every day now. It’s still slow at points, and Hermann is still quick to frustration when he can’t make the words roll out as effortlessly as Newt does, but he tries so damn hard and Newt is patient and they make it work. 

Newt takes all of his meals with Hermann, either bringing them back to the lab where they can talk easily, or keeping him steady in the dining hall and holding up both of their ends in a tumult of conversations. A couple of his friends notice and start chatting with them over dinner, and Hermann gets drawn into conversation sometimes and usually does a pretty good job. Newt fills in if he doesn’t and explains certain things to Hermann afterwards (mostly colloquialisms and slang) and every time it gets a bit better. 

They still bicker. But that’s natural with two very different but very intellectual minds, and they both know that it helps rather than hinders their work. They can push one another to strive, while still keeping a good friendship going in the background. It’s surprising how little the two overlap - and surprising that, as they become closer, the bickering increases. Perhaps it’s a sign of mutual trust that they know neither one will overstep the mark. 

Touch is simple and easy. Newt no longer hesitates to put a hand on Hermann’s arm to offer encouragement; Hermann taps his shoulder to get his attention. It’s another avenue of dialogue, and one of the easiest ways to communicate. 

Hermann smiles. That in itself is such a beautiful reward. 

And they’re friends. It’s unquestionable now. 

***

So once Hermann’s used to him - not quite comfortable, not yet, but he definitely has a better understanding of him - Newt needs to help him get used to others. 

***

“Who do you actually talk to in here?” he asks. 

Hermann shrugs. “You. The Marshal when he asks about work. Mako often says hello.”

Newt waits, but that seems to be the end, to his incredulity. “Nobody else? Not even about work? None of the techs, the Hansens - okay maybe not Chuck but Herc’s nice enough and always kinda interested in what we’re doing, you’ve never -?”

“No.”

Newt nods. “Okay. Let’s work on that, hey?”

Hermann sighs and looks down at his hands. “If you think I must.”

“I think you should give it a go. Because there are some pretty cool people in here, and everybody has their own struggles. You’re not as alone as you think you are - and you won’t do it alone, either. I’ll be with you.”

“Alright. I trust you.”

And Newt’s never going to get over hearing that.

So Newt takes Hermann up to see Tendo the next day, who is kind and gentle and easy, not asking questions or pushing Hermann if he stops mid-sentence. Newt hasn’t told him anything, but Tendo’s always been good at reading people, and claims he knows everything that’s going on inside the Shatterdome. Perhaps he’s right. 

Either way, when Newt and Hermann leave with Tendo’s promise that he’ll come down and see what they’re up to when he’s a bit less busy, Hermann looks a lot happier. He’s not smiling, but there’s much less weight on his shoulders. “Thank you,” he says as they’re riding the lift back down to their floor. “That was better than anticipated.”

Newt smiles. “Tendo’s a great guy. When you reach the point of doing that sort of thing on your own - and yes, I did say  _when_ ,” he adds when Hermann frowns. “I have faith in you, Hermann. So when it happens, Tendo’s probably the one you should go to first. Go have coffee with him some time. Ask him about his work, expect to hear a lot of ‘dome gossip, don’t ever ask about his past and be wary if you’re going to ask about his social calendar.”

“Why? Is he a very busy man?”

Newt chuckles. “Sorry, that’s a double meaning,” he explains. “Tendo is… amorous.”

“Ah,” Hermann says, understanding. “That would be  _popular with the ladies_ , yes?”

This time Newt outright laughs. “That’s the least Hermann-ish thing I’ve ever heard,” he teases lightly, glad that Hermann doesn’t worry when he laughs anymore. “It’s not just the ladies for Tendo, though. Swings all ways and is very proud of it.”

“Hm.” Hermann’s quiet until they enter the lab, then reaches out to touch Newt’s arm before he can leave. “I’m not certain whether this is one of those questions I should not ask outright -“

“I don’t know about others, but there aren’t any of those between us. Go for it.”

Hermann nods. “Which way do you… swing?”

Newt definitely doesn’t blush. “I - well. I’ve always said I’d go for anybody who’ll take me so… gender isn’t an issue for me, that’s the thing. There’s got to be a connection, and really nothing other than that matters.” Hermann nods again, and Newt pushes his luck. “And… you?”

“While I have not yet had any experience to base my presumptions on,” Hermann begins and there’s something else that hurts Newt’s heart, “I believe that I would not be opposed to either gender. I cannot conclude further than that. But as you said, there must be that connection.”

“Yeah.”

For a moment they just stand, looking at one another, then Newt clears his throat and turns towards his desk, trying to not treat what he’s just heard as  _information_. “And for the record,” he says as he crosses the room, hearing Hermann do the same after a moment, “that question? Probably not a conversation starter.”

“Got it. Thank you Newton.”

“You’re welcome.”

***

He suggested it, but Newt’s actually not expecting Hermann to  _do it._

Regardless, he returns to the lab after stopping in with Pentacost to explain something from their latest report to find that Hermann’s gone. Presuming he’s just in the bathroom, Newt puts his gloves on and sets to work, completely losing track of time until he hears Hermann’s cane click into the room.

Then he looks up and sees that he’s been at work for half an hour.

“Hey, Hermann,” he says as he strips off his gloves. “Where’ve you been?”

“I took your advice.”

“What advice?”

Hermann stops, turning to look at Newt. “To have coffee with Tendo.”

Newt stares at him for a bit. “Really?” he asks.

“Yes. Is that…. should I not have -?”

“No, no of course you should have, I just - Hermann, that’s  _great_!”

Hermann looks a little surprised at his enthusiasm, but also slightly pleased. “I did struggle,” he admits as Newt abandons his specimen to cross the room to meet him. “I nearly froze up completely at one point, but he was very patient.”

“Hermann,” Newt says quickly. “I’d like to hug you; do you object?”

“No -“

Newt goes ahead and hugs him. “I’m seriously proud of you,” he says. “That’s a huge step. Well done.”

“Thank you, Newton.” Newt lets him go and Hermann, blushing a little, steadies himself with his cane. “We did discuss his… what did you call it - ah, yes. Social calendar.”

“Oh yeah?”

“It is quite surprising how many of the Shatterdome occupants he has been intimate with.”

Newt chokes a little as he catches up. “Hang on, did you  _ask_?”

“Yes. Is that not - you did say he was proud of it.”

“ _Tendo_ is, yes. But dear god, Hermann, do  _not_ ask anybody else that question.”

“Tendo told me the same. There is nobody else I would ask anyway. Though there was something Tendo said to me that I was a bit unclear on, could you clarify?”

Newt’s suddenly got a bad feeling. “Yeah?”

“He said that there was always room on his dance card for one more. I don’t image that was a literal statement, so -?”

“Tendo Choi, for  _fucks sake_ ,” Newt mutters under his breath, then sighs. “It certainly wasn’t literal. It means that his bed is open. To you. If you ever wanted to -“

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Is there etiquette for declining such an offer?”

And Newt can breathe again. “It wasn’t a serious offer,” he explains. “Just Tendo mucking around. But I’m gonna go chat to him quickly, I can tell him that you’re not interested if you like?”

“Thank you. Just to make it clear.”

“Oh, I’ve got a few things to make clear,” Newt mutters as he leaves. 

***

Sasha Kaidonovsky corners him one day and Newt instinctively cowers, then tries not to show it. She just smiles, but it’s not the intimidating one she usually gives out. “Doctor Geiszler,” she says. “Will you convince Doctor Gottlieb to take tea with my husband and I this evening?”

“Um… look, I can’t speak for Hermann -“

“But is that not what you do?”

Newt pauses and frowns at her because  _yes_ , but people aren’t mean to  _know_. “How did you -?”

“Aleksis struggles with his words too,” she explains. “His is the language - he did not learn as well as I did, but it makes communication difficult and he is hesitant. I think they would be good for each other.”

Newt nods. “I can try. He might ask me to come with him.”

“That is acceptable. We will talk while our men help each other.”

She’s gone before Newt can explain that Hermann isn’t actually  _his_.

(For all the wishing in the world.)

So he takes Hermann to the Kaidonovsky apartment that night and Hermann only hides behind him a little as they enter. Sasha mothers him without either expecting a reply or making any move to touch him. Alexis is almost as timid as Hermann and it takes a little prodding from Sasha and Newt until they’re talking. But once they are - and once they realize that Hermann knows Russian and can help Aleksis improve his English while being helped at the same time - the two are left to it and Sasha and Newt go through to the other room to talk. 

“Did he have a bad childhood?” Sasha asks quietly.

Newt shrugs. “I don’t think it was abuse or anything, I think just… neglect. And I say  _just_ , but that’s a really shitty thing to have happen. I think it was more that everybody decided Hermann was independent long before he really was, and he had to figure out things for himself. He only got the basics.”

Sasha nods. “He is a good man, though.”

“Very good. One of the best.”

“And you and he are -“

“Oh, no, see that’s where you’ve gotten it wrong. There’s nothing like that between me and Hermann.”

“Ah. So it is just you wanting him then?”

Newt sighs. “Is it that obvious?”

Sasha smiles at him, and again it’s not intimidating. “Aleksis and I, we watch. We see more than people think. Your friend Tendo helps, too, keeps us up with information. And he is very gentle with Aleksis.”

“He’s gentle with Hermann too.” Newt swallows, then pushes his luck. “So, you and Aleksis… you keep to yourselves a lot?”

“We are married.”

“I know.”

“We are also intimidating.”

Sasha’s still smiling, so Newt feels like he can too. “A little, yeah. Especially for a short guy like me.”

She laughs. “You do good work. Important work. Harming you would not help the war cause.”

Newt swallows again. “Right. Um, yeah. Thanks for that.”

They suddenly hear laughter from the other room, and when Newt looks back at Sasha he knows the look on her face - soft, smiling, quiet contentment - echoes his own. 

It’s the look of knowing that the person they care the most about in the world is happy. 

***

And then they reach one very important point - the game changer, in fact. 

“I need your help.”

Newt drops everything - well, not actually. He carefully puts down his scalpel, strips off his gloves, and looks up. “Of course. What can I help with?”

“Social cues. I can read you a little better, but when it comes to others that seem so obvious to many, I don’t understand them, and I absolutely refuse to turn to you in public and ask for you to explain something. And I’m tired of freezing up in the middle of a conversation.”

Newt nods. “Okay. Have you worked something out or do you want to talk it through together?”

“I have an idea.”

“Hit me.” Hermann blinks and Newt clarifies: “What’s the idea?”

“People take our bickering as far more than it is, and think we hate one another. I think I can work with that.”

It’s Newt’s turn to blink. “O…kay?”

Hermann smiles, a little shy, and as soon as he sees that Newt’s about ready to do anything for him. “Well, you see, if say I were to forget to greet people when I first meet them or don’t pick up on a cue that I should, you could call me out on it… by insulting me. And then I will snap back at you and -“

“And I’ll look like an asshole.”

“Ah. Yes. Well -“

“That’s not me saying no,” Newt says quickly. “Because when it comes down to it, it’s either I look like an asshole or you get stuck in an awkward social situation which destroys your already fragile self esteem, and it’s pretty clear what I’m going to pick. Besides, I annoy everybody anyway, it’s no stretch of the imagination that you hate me.”

Hermann’s quiet for a long time. “I’m not sure how to respond to that,” he finally admits. “You’re doing something very good for me, that will affect you negatively, and I don’t know how to express my gratitude.”

“You want me to tell you what to do?”

“Please.”

“Come over here and hug me.”

So Hermann does. 

***

And that’s where they are now.

***

“What are you doing? Put your hand down, you look like an idiot. You’re not an officer, you don’t need to salute anyone. What a jerk that guy was.” 

Newt gently touches Hermann’s chest, the other hand to his shoulder, and begins guiding him away. As soon as the doors are closed they stop and Newt puts his hands on Hermann’s shoulders, peering up into his eyes. Hermann smiles. “You do realize you don’t need to reassure me every time?”

“I just feel bad about calling you names over this.”

“You know it makes it easier.”

Newt sighs. “I know, and I’m completely down with anything that helps you out, even if I look like the bastard. I just don’t want you to  _think_ I’m a bastard.”

“After everything you’ve done for me? How could I?” Hermann’s looking at him with an unfamiliar expression, but his next sentence makes that clear; “Are you okay?”

Newt blinks at him, then remembers. “Oh. Right, yeah, I’m… just tired of people not getting it.” He shrugs, his energy gone after his outburst (which he fully stands by, for the record). “It’s like nobody even  _tries_ to see it any way other than ‘just kill them’ which, yeah, okay, it’s us or them, I get it but -“ He stops, shakes his head. “Sorry man. Didn’t mean to -“

“It’s okay. That’s what… what friends do, right?”

He’s never going to get over hearing Hermann call him that. “Yeah,” Newt says quietly. “Yeah, it is.”

“He was a bit of a jerk too,” Hermann adds, the word clearly so unfamiliar but the sentiment appreciated. “Still, I hope you don’t get in trouble for it.”

“Not gonna happen,” Newt says, quickly bouncing back. “What’s Pentacost gonna do, fire me? Not an option. Chuck blows up like that about six times a week, anyway.”

Hermann smiles, and it’s beautiful. Newt does his best to keep it there as they return to the lab.

***

“Numbers are the closest we get to the handwriting of God.”

And that’s getting way too abrasive and not quite right so Newt mocks him and Hermann snaps and they carry on as usual. But as soon as Pentacost’s gone, Newt doesn’t even wait for Hermann to speak. “This time I’m seriously sorry,” he says. “That’s one of the coolest things you’ve ever said, I hated having to do that.”

Hermann blinks at him. “I thought you thought it was ridiculous.”

“It was pretentious and hideously idealistic, but it was also insanely meaningful. It’s like you opened up a door into your world for a second and we got to see what it’s like. What you said, it was so  _you_ and I like… that.” Newt clears his throat, just about caught out. “Don’t - don’t stop being you, okay? I know you’re trying real hard to be like everybody else socially but… don’t lose you in the process. I only cut you off there because Pentacost was glazing over but that’s because he doesn’t get you and I get you and I don’t want to _stop_ getting you so just don’t stop being you. Okay?”

Hermann looks befuddled, but he’s slightly pink around the cheeks. “Okay,” he says simply. 

Newt’s said way too much, but he also suspects he might have said just enough.

***

He’s on the ground and everything aches and there’s blood coming out of his nose and someone’s arms are around him… 

_Hermann’s_ arms are around him, and that’s worth waking up for.

“What?” he slurs, then winces at his voice. “What hap’nd?”

“Oh thank  _lord_. Newton, it’s Hermann. Do you know where you are?”

“Floor. Why?”

“You tell me why.”

Newt thinks. “Oh. Drift.”

Hermann sighs and there’s real anger in it. “Yes.  _Drift._ With a  _Kaiju brain._  What were you -“

And Newt remembers. “Get Pentacost,” he says quickly.

“Newton -“

“ _Get Pentacost._ ”

Hermann insists on getting him into a chair first, which takes a great deal of effort between them, and bringing him a glass of water. Then he hurries away, leaving Newt trembling and his mind buzzing and maybe just a  _little_ happy about the way Hermann was holding him as he came back to consciousness. 

The world might be about to end. He’s got to be happy about something. 

***

“I’ll go with you.”

Newt turns and there’s Hermann, Hermann Gottlieb, looking more confident and sure of himself than Newt’s ever seen. He’s saying more, about pilots and neural load but Newt doesn’t care about that because -

“You’re serious? You - you would do that for me?” Newt catches himself, rewords - “Or, would do that  _with_ me?”

But they both know what he means - because this isn’t just a Drift with a Kaiju brain, this isn’t just a life-threatening scenario. This is Hermann and all of his fears and secrets and the past that turned him into the man Newt has been trying to help for  _months_ , and letting Newt look at them.  _Experience_ them. 

It’s taken so long for Hermann to admit to even the first layer of everything he’s struggled with. And now he’s opening up the door and letting Newt right in. 

So Newt understands - this isn’t just a Drift with a Kaiju brain, this isn’t just a life-threatening scenario. This is Hermann giving Newt the chance to really and truly  _get it._

And he’d kiss the man right now if he could get away with it. 

But he can’t and they don’t have time so they Drift and Newt kind of wants to cry for a lot of reasons but he can’t. He doesn’t have time to truly process everything in Hermann’s mind, and he suspects he doesn’t want to either. But he’s seen and he knows - but he also knows that the end of the world could be minutes away if he doesn’t run and everything else has to happen later. 

***

The world doesn’t end.

Newt’s watching everybody go mental, trying to comprehend what’s happening, when he feels Tendo shift away and somebody else take his place. He looks over and it’s Hermann, Hermann trying not to look at him, trying not to smile, but clearly asking for something. 

Six months ago he wouldn’t have been brave enough to come near him. And a year ago, Hermann Gottlieb had never known how it felt to be touched by somebody who cared.

Newt throws an arm around his shoulders and beams.

***

Hours later, the party still in full swing downstairs, Newt goes looking for Hermann. 

He stumbles a little as he walks through the halls, but it’s not alcohol in his system. Newt’s just exhausted, all the late nights and running around the Bone Slums and Drifting finally catching up with him, and once he’s sure Hermann’s okay and safe somewhere - and there are only a few places in the building he’d be, so if he’s not there Newt’s gonna presume he’s in bed - he’s going to crash  _hard._

Hermann isn’t in the lab, and Newt kind of wants to save the roof for a last resort, so he checks Control, and that’s where he finds Hermann and Tendo sitting together, coffee mugs in hand and knees touching as they talk quietly. And maybe a few days ago Newt would’ve been jealous of that, but not now. Not after everything that’s happened, because they all learned today that touch is vital and Newt’s seen Hermann touching more people today than he has possibly ever and that’s  _good._ He’d never deprive Hermann or anybody else of that. 

He just wants to be a part of it. 

Newt clears his throat quietly as he walks in. “Not interrupting, am I?”

Tendo laughs and rolls over a chair, putting it next to Hermann’s. “We were wondering how long you’d be. Made you coffee and everything.”

“You’re a dear,” Newt says as he takes it and sits down, and Tendo winks. Hermann rolls his eyes - he’s picked that one up from Newt very nicely and Newt’s rather proud. “You were waiting for me?”

“Didn’t think you’d be partying,” Tendo says with a shrug. “And I knew you’d come and look for Hermann eventually.”

Hermann sighs, but he’s smiling a little and, oh, Newt’s in love with him. “I wondered if I might see you again tonight… or if the inside of my brain had scared you away.”

“I pretty much knew the inside of your brain anyway,” Newt says without thinking, but Hermann’s smile - a proper one, a real one that Newt knows he barely ever shows - means he’s perhaps said the right thing. “Still, it was a hell of an experience.”

“It was,” Hermann agrees. “I felt that I was -“ he breaks off, pauses, thinks, and they wait. “Well,” Hermann continues, his smile a little wry now, “there’s the point. I felt that I was communicating with you properly for the first time. Without barriers. My words weren’t interfering.”

Newt frowns, turning his chair to face Hermann. “But you do that anyway - communicating without words, I mean.”

“How?”

“Well, I know the way you’re looking at me now means you think I’m wrong but you’ll let me state my point before  _proving_ me wrong. I know the difference between pretend mad and actually mad, and I can also tell when I’ve truly earned forgiveness if I fucked up. I know when you need time alone, or when you’re just saying that but actually want company but don’t know how to ask. I know when to touch you or if I need to keep well away. I know when you need me to speak for you and when it would be the greatest insult to do so. And I could go on. But it’s all right there.”

“How?” Hermann asks again, but this time quietly and with something resembling awe.

“Your eyes. Your expression. Your smile. I’ve worked with you for ten years, Hermann, and words have never been our primary method of communication.”

There’s a long silence, then Tendo stands. “I think I’m the one interrupting now,” he says, and before Newt can tell him otherwise - but half-heartedly because he actually does just want to be with Hermann right now - he’s gone. 

And now it’s just Hermann, watching him closely. “I saw things in the Drift,” he says carefully. “I saw thoughts. And what I believe were…  _wishes._ ”

Newt nods. “More than likely. Were they about you?”

“Yes.”

“Then yeah. I couldn’t quite keep it back.”

“Did you see mine?”

“Yeah.”

“And so what happens now?”

“Well now we do what we’ve always done.” Newt puts his mug down to rest his hand on Hermann’s knee, the other on his shoulder. “Hermann,” he says gently. “I’d like to kiss you. Do you object?”

There’s a moment of silence that feels like forever, then; “No.”

And Newt kisses him, and he doesn’t even try to put into words how it feels. For once he’s as tongue tied as Hermann.

“Is that the first time you’ve been kissed?” Newt has to ask, after, as he holds Hermann close. 

Hermann nods. “It met all expectations if that is what you’re asking.”

Newt smiles. “Good. But what I was really thinking is that I’ve got a lot of time to make up for.”

Hermann lifts his head from Newt’s shoulder, smiling too. “We’ve got all the time in the world, now.”

And then Hermann kisses him, actually initiates the contact himself, and Newt silently thanks his self of five years ago for deciding to take an interest in one Hermann Gottlieb.

Because look at them both now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't my primary canon Hermann headcanon, just something I enjoyed exploring. If I haven’t strictly gotten the phobias right, I apologize, but those are how Hermann labels himself and no phobias have the same responses anyway. 
> 
> Title from "When You Say Nothing At All".


	2. missing scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt rolls his eyes. “Well, I’m a little bit mad that the first offer of sex I ever got to make to Hermann was conveying yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted by Tumblr user thekaidonovskys. Set after the 'dance card' incident where Newt heads off to have a word with Tendo.

“Right,” Newt says as he strides into the break room where Tendo’s colleagues have pointed him. “We need to -“

He cuts himself off as Tendo holds out a mug of coffee and a bagel to him. “Talk?” Tendo completes, and yeah, Newt knows him well enough to hear the guilt in his voice. “I know we do. C’mon, sit down and stop giving me the eyes. I know I’ve gone wrong.”

Newt sits. He doesn’t touch the peace offerings just yet. “Hermann would like it to be on the record that he politely rejects your offer. He’d like to make it  _clear_ , just like you  _didn’t_ make it clear.”

“I know, I know. Look -“ Tendo sighs and nudges the coffee a bit closer. “Newt, you should’ve seen him. He was doing  _awesome._ We were talking, he was smiling, I made him  _laugh_  -“

“Really?” Newt asks, interest superseding anger for the moment. “That’s impressive, man. You’ve gotta be the first one apart from…”

“You,” Tendo says with a nod. “Yeah. And that’s the thing, it was going really well, better than I thought it would and I - I forgot, okay? I know you’ve never really made it clear exactly  _what_ it is that I forgot, but I forgot that there was anything… that Hermann might not understand. And I saw the confusion as soon as I said it but I also knew there was no way he was gonna ask me for clarification and I  _certainly_ wasn’t gonna say ‘oh hey, by the way, that comment was literally an offer for you to have sex with me’ because  _that_ wouldn’t have gone down well at all. So I hoped he was gonna ask you and you could explain and make it clear that I was kidding. Because I was. I was  _very_ kidding.”

Newt sighs. He looks at Tendo a bit longer, then shakes his head and picks up the mug, seeing Tendo immediately relax at the gesture. “I forget sometimes too,” he admits. “Which is great. It means things are getting better. And I know you’re working on limited information and it’s not like you’re around him all the time… god. I’m not mad at you.”

“Did a nice job of pretending.”

Newt rolls his eyes. “Well, I’m a little bit mad that the first offer of sex I ever got to make to Hermann was conveying  _yours_.”

“Yeah,” Tendo says, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry, man. You know I don’t want to, right?”

Newt gives him a wary look. “Is it that you don’t want  _Hermann_ , or you don’t want to impose on…” he sighs, and forces himself to use the stupid term of Tendo’s, “ - my territory?”

Tendo smirks. It’s brief. “Sorry,” he says again. “No, look, Hermann’s great and maybe in another lifetime I’d go there, but he’s kinda not my type. And even if he was, well, you might be little but you’re fierce as fuck.”

“I’m sure that was a butchered Shakespeare quote,” Newt says, rolling his eyes again. “The only reason I’d be stopping you from getting with Hermann would be to make sure he was actually 100% okay with it. If he wanted you, I wouldn’t stand in the way.”

“No, you’d sit in the corner heartbroken and I’d be an absolute shithead,” Tendo says. “I’m not going there with Hermann. That’s final. Besides, Hermann  _doesn’t_ want me. He doesn’t want anyone around here. The only person I can see him ever wanting in the future is you.”

“What, because I’ve helped him -“

“Because you’ve taken the time to get to know him. You’ve stayed with him and helped him work through things with no motive except to help him be happier and be able to know him better. You’re his best friend in this place - hell, probably his best friend in any place -“

“Only friend,” Newt corrects quietly. 

Tendo frowns. “Damn. Well, not anymore. Tell him my dance card is actually a bit full right now but I’d love to be his friend instead. Perhaps word it differently…”

Newt smiles. “I’ll tell him,” he promises. “I think he’ll like that.”

“Good. But the thing is, he’s now able to come up here and talk to me. With a bit more coaxing, I reckon he’ll be able to chat to a lot of the others. And you know what, Newt?”

“What?”

“He’s still gonna prefer talking to you.”

“You reckon?”

“Oh my god, obviously, dude. Even though he seemed pretty happy when we were chatting, he wasn’t entirely relaxed. With you he just drops his guard.”

Newt’s eyes narrow. “And you know that how?”

“Cameras,” Tendo admits cheerfully. “Someone’s gotta monitor the place - I don’t listen, just look, and I’ve seen what you’ve done over the months. He’s  _happy_ , man. I’m sure part of it is that he now feels better equipped to handle the world, but I also think that he’s glad to be able to talk so he can now talk to  _you_.”

Newt doesn’t speak for a moment. “You really think so?”

“I know so.” Tendo puts a hand on his shoulder. “You just keep working miracles, Newt, and see what reward it brings you.”

“But, hey, you know I’m not just doing this so I can get with him, right? This isn’t -“

“Relax,” Tendo says, squeezing his shoulder. “C’mon man, you know me, and I know you. You love the fuck out of Hermann -“ Newt immediately looks around to check that the room is empty, “- but it’s not like you’d ever stop doing this if he decided to, I don’t know, get with me instead. You’d still work with him and be his best friend and help him out. After all, did you barge up here to rip me a new one about trying to flirt with your man?”

“He’s not my man,” Newt hisses.

Tendo rolls his eyes. “Yeah, but you’re too old for me to use the word  _crush_ without it sounding like a joke. Besides, he kinda is.  _Anyway,_ my point is, you came up here to tell me off for confusing Hermann and possibly pushing the boundaries beyond where he was comfortable. That’s it. And that’s a) precious as fuck and b) what best friends do. Your intentions towards Hermann are entirely pure with a little bit of want and that’s definitely okay. You’re allowed to want him.”

Newt sighs and drains his coffee mug. “Yeah. Well, I couldn’t stop if I tried.”

Tendo pats his shoulder. “Hey, no matter what happens, you’ve always got a backup option.”

Newt eyes him warily. “Oh yeah?”

“Well if Hermann isn’t taking that extra spot -“

Newt nudges Tendo’s hand off his shoulder and stands, shaking his head. “You know how that spot ended up vacant. You don’t know how to waltz.”

“Fuck you, man.”

Newt laughs. “Been there, done that, remember?”

Tendo smirks. “I know, beautiful. We’re not each other’s speed, that’s all good. I’ll keep living the high life while you plod along with your dear mathematician.”

Newt rolls his eyes and turns away, heading for the door. “And by the time you run out of participants, I might have actually landed my dear mathematician and we can have a threesome.”

There’s just silence behind him. 

“Oh no,” Newt says after a second, freezing at the door. “No,  _fuck_ , I did not mean that -“

“You said it,” Tendo says, and Newt can hear the smirk. “No backsies. I’ll remember this one.”

Newt groans and leaves without further comment. 

At least there’s only minimal chance of this one coming back and biting him.


	3. bonus: whoops Tendo's a little shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt sighs. “Um, well… see, I kinda made a comment to Tendo back around the dance card incident that - god, Tendo, why are you making me do this?”
> 
> “Because it’s hilarious,” Tendo says unapologetically. “Continue.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this random snippet up to continue on from the end of chapter one, but taking into account what happened in chapter two, and then I just... sorta never posted it? So here it is, I guess.

“So,” comes a familiar drawl from the door to their lab, and they both look over as Tendo strolls in. “How’s it going, lovebirds?”

Newt rolls his eyes. “Cameras again?”

“It’s my station. Had to check what goes on in my absence.” Tendo seats himself on the edge of Newt’s desk as Hermann puts down his chalk and turns to face them. “Congrats, guys. Really.”

Newt glances at Hermann, who smiles. “Thank you,” he says, and Newt nods the same

And then, of course, Tendo’s smirking. “So,” he says again, “remember that time when I asked Hermann to have sex with me and you came to defend his honour?”

Newt chokes on nothing. Hermann quickly crosses the room, but Newt’s under control when he arrives. “Tendo Choi, I swear to god -“

“You said it, Newt. Sure, you probably thought it was never gonna happen, but here we are. All the techs are out of here next week and it’ll just be a few of us remaining. Which means I’ve run out of participants, and since _you’ve_ managed to -“

Newt glares hard enough to silence him, but Hermann’s frowning now. “What is this all about?” he asks, looking between the two of them. “Newton? What have you managed to do?”

Newt sighs. “Um, well… see, I kinda made a comment to Tendo back around the dance card incident that - _god,_ Tendo, why are you making me do this?”

“Because it’s hilarious,” Tendo says unapologetically. “Continue.”

Newt sighs again. But a look at Hermann’s face shows him that it’s no good stalling, this has to come out. “I’ve liked you _forever_ , you already know that,” he says quickly. “When I told Tendo off about the dance card, we also talked about how I’d probably be your first choice anyway which is _fucking_ presumptuous -“

“Also true,” Hermann says softly. “Go on.”

Newt swallows. “Right. And I _might_ have made a seriously stupid joke that by the time Tendo ran out of participants for his dance card, I might’ve landed you and he could just… join in with us.”

Hermann frowns at him for a bit, then looks at Tendo. “I presume you only mean for sex, correct? Not as an added -“

“Oh, no,” Tendo says immediately. “No, I’m not looking to step in. I’m not - okay, no, this was all one big joke. I’m sorry, guys. I’m not actually asking to join in, I just wanted to make fun of Newt and I shouldn’t have -“

“I’m not complaining,” Hermann says, smiling, and Newt’s jaw hits the floor. 

So does Tendo’s. “Wait,” he says after a moment, “does that mean you want me to -“

“No, certainly not,” Hermann says, gentle but firm. “As attractive as you are, Mr. Choi, I’m afraid I will once again have to decline. When it comes to any sexual activity, Newton is my first and only choice. I’m not complaining that you are choosing to make fun of Newton, however. It is quite amusing." 

Tendo looks between them, then grins. “Well put, Hermann. You’ve broken Newt, so I’m gonna leave and let you put him back together. You two are all sorts of adorable, by the way.”

He leaves, and then Newt has Hermann gently holding him by the shoulders. “Are you truly broken?” he asks.

“No,” Newt says quietly. “No, just - you’re talking about sex. I didn’t think -“

Hermann raises an eyebrow. “I do own that it might take some time and considerable effort on your part, but I would like to think that one day it will be something we can enjoy together.” Newt swallows, trying to find words, and Hermann just smiles at him. “I’m going to kiss you now,” he says. “I trust there are no objections?”

“Definitely not.”

So Hermann kisses him, and Newt considers Tendo entirely forgiven.


End file.
